Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Life is always a matter of choice…
It’s been hard for me after my mom passed away…I feel guilty and I feel that there is no point anymore for me to continue living. I have no more one whom I can care for, whom I dedicate all my works and achievements to.
I feel somehow depressed. But I still have so many works in front of me to be done soon. I am confused whether I finish those jobs or give them up simply, and stop living. Ending up my life could be a choice, but it will mean that I am not a very tough struggler, or so called life fighter.
Or, I could simply runaway from this complex life and isolate myself in salvation, in guilt. I almost lost the meaning of life. I don’t know about it anymore. What’s this life for, this question keeps moving in my head.
I never felt like this before.
I suddenly felt that all memories of the past recalled and ghost me day and night. How beautiful life was without these emerging complexities. My way of thinking evolves. My idealism and everything.
I almost found my way in life, but suddenly she’s gone. She supported me all her life. I know how she struggled for me, how hard she lived her life to see me happy. And I just realized it too late, before I could present my graduation to her. It’s all her efforts for a son like me…
Before I could thank her for everything she has given to me in her life. Life seems to be unfair to me now. I try to calm down myself, my emotion with this little saying, “good people die young.” It doesn’t good enough to make me feel relax. She is the best I have ever had.
Now I lose control of my life. My life swings away to where the wind blows it, with no clear direction to go, even though I know where to go, but all of those things seem impossible for me to walk through.
Everything can’t help at the moment. I have lost two best people who have ever filled the empty rooms in my heart in only less than four months. What life would be without both of them, people who used to support me to achieve what I want, to remind me that I go though the wrong path.
The chance for me to be depressed right now is much greater than other people I know. To be drawn in great depression and mental war, is almost a certainty. I couldn’t control my energy to turn out this circumstance into one that is more logical and favorable. I’m lost.
Challenge lies where hardship is present. But I don’t know how to use the positive energy to create and find that challenge. This year is really the year of real school of life to me, when I can learn a lot of things from it. When I can find my true self through it.
Some people said that I look tough enough after experiencing this two, but they don’t know what exactly happens inside. Psychological imbalance. Mental war. Deviant thought.
I could punish myself for these, but how and what for? Will this make me grow and learn?
I know this isn’t easy for me, but I couldn’t be in this state of condition for too long. I gotta stand up and sight once again like the warrior of light.